A touchy issue to many..

Weight has always been a big issue in my life since I came to college. Before college, I would dance about 5-6 hours a week, so my metabolism was at its peak and I could eat anything and not gain a pound. I was what you would call skinny back then; I was 5"2 and about 105 pounds. Of course I was still maturing so my curves were still developing back then. I still had the big black booty, a tiny waist, but other parts of my body were still developing.

Then, came college. I stopped dancing 5-6 hours a week because classes and hanging with friends without parental control took up all my time. My parents weren't there to tell me what I could or couldn't eat, and they weren't there to regulate my exercise habits either. Freshman fifteen was out to attack me. Initially, the freshman fifteen had little affect if at all on me because I still had a good metabolism from high school. But then it started to catch up with me. Soon I put on 5 pounds and clothes weren't loose on me anymore. The either fit just right or were a little tight. Still, being 110 and 5'2 wasn't bad.

Another year passed and 5 more pounds were gained. Being 115 and 5'2 was a little heavy for me at the time, or so I thought. I was still okay with my weight at that point, and concentrated on school and partying/drinking. Of course, this caused me to go up to 120.

Then summer came around and nobody was around. I got bored and started smoking weed and got lazy, and my weight jumped sky high to 125 -130. This was the worst summer of all to date, I knew I had to lose this weight fast. School began again and I began working out hardcore. I would run one mile in the morning, and then one at night followed by weights. I got my weight down to around 120, but I was will unhappy. I worked so hard to lose only 5 pounds. I soon realized that losing the weight was much, MUCh harder than putting it on. Time passed and the weight came back again as it always does. Finally I succumbed to drugs to help, which was definitely a low point in my life. I lost the weight; I was down to 110-115, almost high school weight. But I knew this couldnt' go on forever..

After that I gained all the weight back again. Gradually at first, but nonetheless it was back.

And today I still find myself struggling with my weight. Why is it such a big problem to me? Incidents of birth control use, drinking, eating wrong have all influenced my weight, but working out doesn't seem to work on me like it used to. What do I have to do to reach my ideal weight?


I know all of this is in my head because my mom pounds it into my head each time I go home. She always complains that I've gained weight, and tries to compare my current size to the size I was in high school. And despite the fact that I know and realize this, I still let it get to me.

And each time I want to lose weight I tell myself that this will be the time I reach 115. And then a month later, you see me GAINING weight as opposed to losing weight..
Will this vicious cycle never end?